I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
