I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This couple is walking their pig around campus
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
