Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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