Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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