True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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