pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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