I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
