I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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