Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
