I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
