Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
