I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
