oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
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