..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize