I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
