At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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