11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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