I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
