summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
