I hate your face
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
