That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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