At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
