So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
