Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
