Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up under a house in Key West
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