Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
