i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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