I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
