mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
