I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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