Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
