I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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