Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize