I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
