saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
