Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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