im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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