I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
