Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize