It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
They are going to name an STD after you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
