Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
