Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
