If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
