i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Drunk is not a location!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
