At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
