Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
