I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
