i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
