she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
