So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
