Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
