just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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