youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
