he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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