WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
