I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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