I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
