I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
