The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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